xxafterlightxx

My life is complicated.

There are so many things I want, but I can't have them. It's frustrating.
So much has happened lately, my head is spinning.
I don't even know where to start.

Lately, it seems as if everything has been going wrong for me.
My dad told me that sometimes he doesn't want to come home and that I dissappoint him.What an amazing thing to tell your child. And then there's guy drama. Seriously, what 16-year-old girls life would be complete without guy drama? It seems that ever since Josh, all my relationships have all ended badly. Could he have really fucked me up that badly? I guess so, because it's been two and a half years since him and everytime I think about what he did, I hurt. It's been hard letting myself get close to anyone and let myself have feelings for them, but I did. I met a guy a shot time ago and I let myself fall. I don't really know why, but there was something about him and I could picture myself with him and picture myself not getting hurt by him.I guess I was wrong. But this really was my fault, I'd only met the guy once. But when I did...there was something. I don't know what that something was , but it was there. I know he was crushing on another girl, and I guess that should have been my first sign, but I dunno....I thought that maybe he could get over that. But then yesterday, I found out that they were together. Ouch. And I don't know why it hurt me so much, I knew I didn't stand a chance. My best friend, she's more like a sister now, Vanessa is going through the same thing. We don't understand how nice, good, honest guys end up with girls who do anything for attention. They wear too much make up, try to hard, they will do anything to fuck you over, they are just bad people. I want to know their secret. Maybe then I'll stand a chance.

And then there is all this stuff with my family. I have a dad who dose nothing but tell me how much I dissapoint him, a mom who just seems to have given up, and a sister who doesn't do anything, yet still seems to get all the praise.
I used to be such a daddys girl. He was my superhero and when I grew up, I wanted to be just like him. And now, I can't even stand to be in the same room with him. The other night, when he told me that sometimes he didn't want to come home, the first thought that popped into my mind was: "I don't want you to come home. Why don't you just get it over with and leave." I hate myself for saying that, but at the same time, I just want to scream it to his face. I mean, why shouldn't I? The only time we talk is when we fight. and I know things about him that he doesn't know I know. Things that could tear apart my family. My mom knows them too, but she's the "If I don't think or talk about it, it didn't happen"-type. I know if I confronted him about it, bad things would happen. Which is why I haven't dome it. Maybe I never will. It feels like nothing I do will ever please him. And that hurts. I don't like the fact that we can't talk. He doesn't know what's going on in my life. My dogs know more about me then he does...and that breaks my heart. Kylie is his golden child, the apple of his eye. She could get away with murder, if she wanted too. I don't understand it. What's so special about her? She's lazy, a slob, rude, immature, disrespectful, co-dependent, blah, blah, blah. (I could go on, but then I would be getting nasty.) And yet....it seems as if she can do no wrong. I don't understand it.

Is there something I don't know about? A handbook on how to survive life, come out on top, and get everything you want...even if you don't deserve it? If there is, someone send me a copy. I could really use it.

xxx
Kate

Current Location: Room
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: the constant screaming in my head

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